An excerpt

Dahil tapos na ako sa papers ko para sa PP225, at panahon na para pagtuunan ng pansin ang maikling kwento ko para sa MP215...

“Is there a problem Patrick?” basag ng isang malambing na tinig sa napansin nitong pananahimik ko.

“It’s my younger brother” mahinang sagot ko naman habang ibinabaling ko ang titig sa malamig na sahig. “I just received a news that he died from an accident.”

“I’m sorry to hear that” maamong tugon naman niya.

“I am too.” sambit ko matapos ibaling sa kanya ang titig ng noo’y mamasa-masa kong mga mata.

Napayuko na lamang siya nang mabanga ng paningin ko ang kulay luntian niyang mga mata. Matapos nito’y tumalikod na siya sa akin upang bumalik sa kanyang trabaho. Para sa mga katulad naming araw-araw nakakasalamuha ng mga taong nakikipaglaban sa buhay at kamatayan, ano nga naman ba ang bago sa balitang may namatay?

Pinilit kong iisang tabi ang hindi magandang balitang natanggap ko. Ipinagpatuloy ko ang pagtratrabaho sa kahabaan ng nalalabi pang oras ng shift ko. Tulad ng ibang mga araw, ginawa ko ang mga dapat kong gawin. Hinanda ko ang mga gamot para sa mga pasyente sa floor ko.

Kung hindi agad napansin ng isang kapwa ko nurse, nagkamali sana ako ng bigay ng gamot sa isang pasyente kanina. Imbes kasi na depressant ang ihanda ko para sa pasyente sa room 309 ay stimulant ang nailagay ko—gamot na para sana sa room 306. Matapos akong sawayin ng kasama’y biglang may masamang hangin na naglaro sa aking isipan: hindi kaya isang maliit na pagkakamali sa kamay ng mga nangalaga sa kanya sa ospital ang tuluyang lumagot sa kanyang hininga? Maaaring buhay pa siya pagdating ng ospital ngunit nagkaroon ng maliit na pagkakamali sa pag-aasikaso sa kanya na siyang ikinasawi niya. Hindi nga kaya? Ang mga nurse at doktor sa lahat ng sulok ng mundo’y kapareho lang din ng mga pasyente’t bisitang labas-pasok sa mga ospital—mga tao lang din kaming maaaring magkamali—mga mortal na sugo ng Siyensya, hindi ng himala tulad ng iniisip ng iba.

Kung anong sigla ang ibinibigay ko sa pakikipagkwentuhan sa mga doktor kanina’y siya namang naging tabang ng mga ngiti ko sa tuwing napapadaan ang ilan sa kanila sa nurse’s station habang tahimik kong hinihintay ang pagtatapos ng araw na iyon sa loob ng ospital. Sa bawat lapat ng mga mamahaling ballpen nila sa files ng ilang pasyente’y kasabay ang pag-aalinlangan ko kung tunay nga bang alam nila ang mga isinusulat at sinasabi nila mga piraso ng papel na iyon. Papaano kung buhay pang talaga si Paco at nagkamali lamang ng tingin ang mga doktor sa vital signs niya? Papaano kung ang sertipikasyon ng kamatayang iginawad sa kanya ng doktor na tumingin sa kanya ang tunay na naghatid sa kanya sa huling hantungan gayong may pag-asa pa pala siyang mabuhay?

Sa gitna ng mga ganitong uri ng pagninilay-nilay, ilang beses rin akong nagulat sa mga tawag mula sa paging system ng ospital. Sa tuwing maririnig ko ang mga katagang “emergency room” may halong kabang naglalaro sa dibdib ko. Parang gusto kong tumakbo patungo sa nasabing kwarto bitbit ang pag-asang makikita ko doon si Paco’t makakatulong akong malapatan ng karampatang lunas ang ano mang sugat na natamo niya at maibsan ang ano mang sakit na nararamdaman ng aming bunso. Ngunit bago ko pa man tuluyang maihakbang pasulong ang isa kong paa’y pipigilin na ako ng pagbabalik-realidad matapos ang isang malutong at malamig na sampal ng katotohanang wala naman talaga akong magagawa.

Kung gusto niyo mabasa ng buo, sabihin niyo lang sa akin. Sesendan ko kayo ng file, tutal naghahanap rin ako ng mga suhestiyon para maayos ko ito at matapos na. :p

Love is in the air...

but unfortunately it failed to breeze along my way.

Not that I'm sad or anything, it's just that almost everybody around me is in love and I can't seem to share the same euphoric passion they are in anymore. I haven't felt "the feeling" for quite a long while, and it seemed that the memory of that feeling slipped off my grip in some way. I am happy for them, as I am happy with my current situation. At least now I have more time to think about myself and pretty much a lot of other things that falls directly on my stream of interest.

I just couldn't help but think from time to time how I miss having someone comfort me with a tight hug and a soft kiss on the cheek to keep my spirits up. But I guess I need to learn how to go through with the absence for me to finally prove to myself that I need not depend on others for my own happiness.

It's been a long while since I last wrote on this blog, and unfortunately I am currently in a chummy typing spree while forcing myself to regain my drive to write an academic paper that I've been pushing aside for quite some time now. It's time to halt the mushy stuffs. 'Til my next entry.

Bakit nga kaya hindi na lang Coke ang ikarga natin sa kotse daddy?

Una akong nagmaneho, nasa P54 something lang ang gasolina. At ngayon, sa kabutihang palad (argh!) ay nasa P60.57 na siya. Kung titignan natin kelan ako unang nagmaneho, ang sabi ng lisensya ko ay....March 4, 2008! April, May, June, July...punyemas na yan! mas madami pa ang bilang ng pisong itinaas ng gasolina kumpara sa buwang itinagal ng lisensya ko sa loob ng wallet ko!!!

Ang sabi ng tatay ko, noong panahon daw niya ay mas mahal pa ang isang litro ng Coke kesa sa isang litro ng gasolina. Ang sabi ko naman: "Bakit hindi kaya coke na lang ang ilagay natin ngayon sa kotse dad?" Natawa lang ang tatay ko nung sinabi ko 'yon, pero sa totoo lang, may bahid na ako ng pagiging seryoso nun. E kung hindi ka ba naman kasi ako malagasan ng buhok sa lingguhang pagtaas ng hinayupak na krudo na yan! Kung magcocommute naman ako, ano ang magiging kaibahan eh mahal na rin naman ang pamasahe? At dahil nga gabi ang pasok ko, hindi rin naman ata ako handang makipagsapalaran sa mga snatcher at holdaper diyan sa Quezon Avenue kaya malamang sa malamang eh mapipilitan din ako magtaxi pauwi.

Masama ang loob ko ngayon dahil kakapakarga ko lang ng P1000 noong akinse, at ngayon pa lang ay napilitan na ulit ako magpakarga bago pa man ako mauwi sa pagtutulak ng kotse sa kahabaan ng Commonwealth. Hindi hamak namang mas magiging peligroso ang buhay ko nun kung lalabas ako ng sasakyan sa gitna ng kalsada para salubungin ang mga nagliliparang jeep at bus sa nasabing lugar tuwing madaling-araw, kesa matutukan ng patalim kapalit ng bag ko.

Lahat na ng bagay ngayon, nagmamahal, ako na lang ata ang nagmumura (kasama ang iba pang hayangang nagpapakita ng inis nila sa hindi mapigil-pigil na pagtataas ng mga bilihin)! Aba, paanong hindi ka mapapamura na pati nga 'tong sigarilyong hinihithit ko ngayon eh nagmahal dahil nga raw mahal na ang gasolina. Nabiro ko tuloy yung tindera, "ay, miss 'di kaya ako lumiyab nito pagsindi ko?" Siyempre 'di naman ako tanga, alam kong transportasyon ng nasabing kargamento ang tinutukoy niya. Wala lang, gusto ko lang magpatawa, kahit na sa totoo lang eh hindi naman na talaga nakakatawa ang mga pangyayari ngayon! Una akong magbisyo, nabibili ko ng P17 ang isang kaha ng sigarilyo ko at P13 lang noon ang isang bote ng San Mig Light. Akalain mong ngayon e 23 (pinakamura na ito ha) na sa tindahan malapit sa amin ang yosi ko at nasa P24 na ata ang serbesang nabanggit ko. Minsan tuloy naiisip ko, matanda na ba ako? Pero hindi rin naman (ehem) dahil mga anim o pitong taon pa lang naman ang lumilipas simula noong una akong natutong magbisyo.

Nakakainis isipin ang mga ganitong bagay, kaso hindi mo rin naman maiwasan dahil araw-araw mo itong ma-e-encounter sa buhay mo. Sa bawat paglabas mo ng pinto ng bahay niyo (o minsan kahit nga nasa loob ka lang) ito ang mga bagay na sasambulat sa iyo. Haay!!! Buhay!!! Sa palagay ko, oras na para magbawas ako ng bisyo.

Here comes the confirmation in red bold letters

CLOSED and UNSUCCESSFUL--these are the words I was waiting for to finally end my misery. Now, I had it. I just read it this morning. It was not really surprising because I am pretty much aware it will pop-up on my account one of these days. I was just looking forward when, so that I can have my strong feeling confirmed. And now, it is.

It took about a week for them to appear right before my eyes, and talking about that week-long anticipation will definitely take a long time and a lot of emotions, so I better get it over with. But to give a preview, it was a dream I almost achieved, and yet I failed.

It was deeply an honor to be a part of top 10 out of 200. I had my chance, and sadly, I wasn't able to make the most out of it. I guess it really wasn't for me, or maybe I just didn't give my best shot to drive myself through it. Let me just wait for a next time so that I could redeem myself. As for now, I'll just swallow up that bitter pill and go clean the car. I'll proceed to another drinking session with my buddies later. Now, bottoms up!

A Good Morning Greeting

Good morning sunshine! Now, I have to drag my lazy ass back to work, again. Deep breath in. Breathe out. How many more days do I have to count before I actually end my misery? When will I have the courage? Let me wait until tomorrow. Maybe, just maybe, I'll find answers the next morning.

Knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door

I am currently at the verge of insanity! Someone please pinch me or else I'll drop dead on the ground.
I have two doors at the moment: one that I am having thoughts of leaving, and one that I am dying to enter. As for the first door, I have been standing on the doorway for quite some time now. Actually, I am quite surprised that I was able to stay inside this long. Maybe there was something about this door when I first knocked on it. I was fooled. Now, the question left for me to answer is whether to continue making a fool out of myself or creep my way out as soon as I can.

Knock, knock, knock

Door number two, would you mind letting me in? Please, please, please!!! Now, I'm dying here with the coldness of anxiety. People around me keep saying “if it is not for me, then it is not for me,” but I don't give a damn! I want to go inside! I'll surely undergo great depression if I don't!

Now, let me prepare a bottle of Red Horse inside our ref and an extra pack of fresh cigarettes inside my bag. Breathe in, breathe out. All I have to wait for now is the reason to indulge on them--then back to the start.

This one is for you...

I've heard from an old friend that one of our beloved schoolmate passed away this morning--a teammate from high school.

Death really surprises me. I just can't believe how this simple word brings so much intense emotion to the extent that you can't hardly breathe. It seems to be a great trigger of a lot of memories you thought you have long forgotten, including those little moments of "hi" and "hello" when you pass by each other on the school hallways. Honestly speaking, there were only few memories of us being together, and yet I am being flooded with a lot of memories we used to have during my 4-year stay in high school. It may not be as deep as most of her close friends have, but still these tidbits of memories keep her alive in my thoughts.

A lot of people will definitely miss you Abby. Our birthday will definitely be not the same without you. I know for a fact that you are now in the safest place any person could possibly be in, holding the hand of the Higher Being which everybody yearns to touch, and I am truly happy for you. Have a safe journey.

My New "Corporate(?!?) Enemy"

They say that money is the root of all evil--I say they are right. Just this afternoon, I found evil in a small room where money revolves: a room which I now refer to as my "little hell."

While being the "new-girl-who-is-just-doing-her-job," there I was, standing in the middle of the room filled with evil being mocked into great humiliation by a woman who looks like Shrek.

Screw your rock-hard "joke" (if that's how you refer to it) honey, you hit the wrong nerve of the wrong person! I am a daughter of a tailor, and if it serves you right, I would always find ways to sew your foul mouth shut.

And by the way, wait 'til I resign. Your name will definitely come out there on my resignation letter.

A Good Sunday Morning and a Bad T.V.:What an Abso-f*cking-lutely Perfect Match

I love Sex and the City, that is why I wasn't able to resist the temptation of buying a pirated CD collection of the said series right then and there on the sidewalks of Philcoa while Brod Noel was still in the middle of his story.

To highlight my addiction, let me just say that I spent three consecutive days inside my room with Tap-tap (my ever beloved laptop) for a continuous Sex and the City marathon. I only took pauses to pee, get some food downstairs, and take a 5-hour sleep. Talk about ultimate "bumness" right after graduation.

Yesterday, out of ultimate boredom, I decided to watch reruns of the said series. I planned to watch it the whole day so I decided to create my own comfort zone (consisting of a comfy comforter and three soft pillows) right at the middle of our living room. While watching, I failed to notice that my dad also got quite interested with the television that he also assumed his place on one of the seats. And right before I knew it, there it was, flashing on the screen, from the episode "Models and Mortals," a room full of television with "humping" on each of its screens. Of all the scenes from all the episodes there are in the CD, how lucky could I get to be caught with this one? Great! What a perfect scene for a father and daughter Sunday morning t.v.!